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Violence
Dating violence
Are you being abused by someone you are dating? Kristen says she will never again tolerate violence in her relationships.
I was in junior high when I met a guy I thought was great. We went to the movies. I met his parents. One day when I was supposed to meet him in between classes I was a few minutes late. He asked me where I was. I said went to my locker and to the ladies room. And he said, “I really worried about you and I wish that you had told me.” Then he backhanded me across the face. I thought, “What did I do to deserve that?”
He promised he would never do it again. He said his father had done that to his mother and he didn’t want to be like him. He said, “Please, Kris, forgive me.” And I did.
A lot of people knew I came to school with bruises. They didn’t want to get involved.
I was afraid of what he would do if I left because he threatened me. So, I stayed with him. A lot of people would say, “Why don’t you just leave?” But you don’t know how it feels to be afraid of someone. He had threatened to murder me and that scared me so much. I wanted to go to college and I always wanted to have kids and get married someday.
I knew I had to do something. I told someone in my family. Everyone was great. We went to family counseling with all of my sisters. I was so embarrassed. At that age you just think that’s so un-cool to go to family counseling. But it was the best thing I ever did. I got to express everything and tell stories that I hid for so long.
With time and counseling, and support from my family and friends, I got stronger. My family is still supportive of me.
If someone says that they are going to change, don’t try to be a counselor. Encourage them to get help. But don’t stand by them the whole time they say they are going to change. Tell their parents. Tell somebody in the school. Don’t take the road I did and wait so long to ask for help.
Kristen speaks to other young people about her experience. To invite her to speak at your school or organization send request via email to info@abouthealth.com. We will send her your request.
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Are you being abused by someone you are dating?
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It’s A Fact.
High school girls who were victims of violence from boys they dated were four to six times more likely to have been pregnant than girls who aren’t abused.1
High school girls who were victims of violence from boys they dated were eight to nine times more likely to have attempted suicide during the previous year. 1
Nearly one in 10 high school students will experience physical violence from someone they’re going with. Even more teens will experience verbal or emotional abuse during the relationship.2
Between 10 and 25 percent of girls between the ages of 15 and 24 will be the victims of rape or attempted rape. In more than half of those cases, the attacker is someone the girl goes out with.2
Boys also experience abuse, especially psychological abuse. Boys rarely are hurt physically in relationships, but when it happens, it’s often severe. Boys also can be pressured or forced into unwanted sex by girls or by other boys.2
Dealing With It.
If you answer yes to any of the following questions, you may be involved in an abusive relationship. Please tell an adult you trust.
Would you date someone who:
• Tells you what to wear, who to hang out with and when you can see your friends?
• Is jealous and possessive, wants to pick your friends, checks up on you all the time by obsessive phone calling or e-mailing?
• Puts you down in front of friends, tells you that you would be nothing without him or her, or calls you names?
• Uses guilt trips: "If you really loved me, you would..." Or says, "I'll kill myself if you leave me.”
• Scares you, makes you worry about reactions to things you say or do?
• Keeps promising to change but doesn’t?
• Pressures you for intimacy, touches you when and where you do not want to be touched, or is forceful or scary about sex?
• Makes your family and friends concerned for your safety?
• Has a history of fighting, loses his/her temper quickly or brags about mistreating others? Grabs, pushes, shoves or hits you? *
Supporting your friends
If you suspect a friend is in an abusive dating relationship, or if a friend confides that in you, consider these ways you may be able to help:
• Don't ignore signs of abuse. Talk to your friend.
• Express your concern and support. Tell your friend you're worried.
• Support your friend don't judge.
• Inform your friend about available help and share the resources provided here.
• Encourage your friend to confide in a trusted adult.
• Never put yourself in a dangerous situation with the victim's partner. Don't be a mediator or otherwise become directly involved.*
Suggested Web sites
Love Doesn't Have to Hurt Teens
http://www.apa.org/pi/pii/teen
When Love Hurts: A Guide for Girls on Love, Respect and Abuse in Relationships
http://home.vicnet.net.au/~girlsown/
*Courtesy of the District Attorney’s Office of Norfolk County in Massachusetts.
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1. 2001 Massachusetts Youth Risk Behavior Survey Results. Massachusetts Department of Education (September 2000).
2. American Psychological Association.
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