AIDS
Barbara’s Story: Shattered dreams

Do you consider how your choices could affect your dreams? Barbara and Alice sit at the kitchen table telling stories. It's been that way since Barbara's parents were divorced when Barbara was a young girl.

"I was old enough during my mother and father's divorce that my mom could talk to me,” Barbara says. “I was always there for her. We talked about everything. We were like best friends."

Last summer, Barbara was engaged to be married. She and her fiancé were touring cross-country when Barbara became pregnant. They returned home to plan their wedding. Two weeks later, the doctor who gave Barbara her pregnancy test called with bad news. Additional tests showed she was infected with the HIV.

Barbara was stunned. After all, she thought only homosexuals and intravenous drug users were at risk for AIDS. She didn't think she could get AIDS. Barbara didn't know that her fiancé had shared needles to shoot drugs several years before they met.

"I heard about AIDS on TV. When I realized you could get AIDS through sex I didn't worry. I had been faithful to Steve for three years. I always said I was happy I was with one person. I used to feel so bad for these kids who were out dating around.”

Steve had never told Barbara he’d used needles to inject drugs. Imagine what it was like for Barbara. She was planning her dream wedding. She was excited at the prospect of being a mother Suddenly it was all gone. Barbara and her fiancé split up. After much agonizing, she had an abortion. At the age of 22 she was facing the possibility of death. Now Barbara is afraid she will never see her dreams come true.

"It's always been important to me to fall in love, get married and have kids. You know, the white house with the picket fence. My first thought through the whole deal of being infected was that I would never ever have another relationship, never mind get married or have children. I can get a job and go on with my life but there is such a big part of my life missing. It's a scary feeling."

Barbara wants to help young people learn about AIDS so they can protect themselves against it.

"You have to take care of yourself, because if you don't there is always a chance you will get infected. Maybe even wait until you are married to have sex. I wish I could go back and be 16 and know all this. I wouldn't be so anxious to fit in and please a man. I wouldn't be in this fix today if I had stood up for myself."

When Barbara told her family she was infected with HIV, her mother, Alice, had a violent reaction.

"I behaved very ugly. I don't have a habit of swearing, but I actually swore. I wanted to throw something. I didn't know how to deal with it at that moment. Also, I wanted to protect her. It was like, how can I deal with it and help her at the same time? I hugged her and kissed her naturally and said we are going to beat this."

For months Alice cried privately in her bedroom or while driving to work. She was so depressed that she couldn't enjoy special occasions, not even Christmas. Finally, one night, when Barbara and her mother were out to dinner, it all came out.

"We were out having pizza and I couldn't hack it. I started crying. I told her 'I know I have to accept that you might die. I would hold you and I would be with you right to the end.' We both broke down and were crying in each other’s arms. We ended up that night praying on our hands and knees together. That helped both of us tremendously."

Barbara's mother pays close attention to news of research news about HIV. While she copes with Barbara's illness, she has not given up hope.